General E Beefy
The self-styled angry-man of the phonker world. Raised on a diet of chips, ham and phlegm. They might be old, and their jokes and opinions may be tired, out-dated and cliched, but they didn’t get where they are today by playing fair.
From: Great Yarmouth, England
Likes: Blame, rules (our own), press barons
Dislikes: EU, traitors, immigration, unpleasant truths
Favourite song: Making Plans for Nigel; XTC
This phonker likes their milquetoast with plenty of phonked avocado. But don’t think that means they are afraid to fight their yoghurt corner.
From: Hackney, London
Likes: EU, Freedom of Movement, cereal
Dislikes: High rents, unpleasantness, nazis
Favourite song: Biscuit Town; King Krule
His clownish appearance hides a tough, nutty, interior. In battle, the "Major" is always looking for a chance to sneak up on his opponent for a cheeky sideways phonk, but put him under pressure and he quickly turns into a gibbering Eton Mess.
From: New York City, USA
Likes: Flag-waving, zip-lines, organic carrots
Dislikes: Buses, bananas, combs
Favourite song: Back Stabbers; The O'Jays
Fancies himself the archetypal hard-man, though in reality he is simply hard of thinking. This phonker, when he’s not yomping across mountains, likes to quaff the finest wines causing further damage to his already depleted brain cells.
From: York, England
Likes: Push-ups, quitting, changing his mind, chuckling (nervously)
Dislikes: Facts, thinking, changing his mind
Favourite song: In The Army Now; Status Quo
This softly spoken phonker likes nothing better than phonking fascists to persuade them to see the error of their ways. A keen gardener who enjoys sitting on his allotment fence.
From: Chippenham, England
Likes: People, comrades, trains, world peace
Dislikes: The corrupt Capitalist System, centrists, splitters
Favourite song: I'm Left, You're Right, She's Gone; Elvis Presley
Trees Meh’s indifference to everything is notorious. Under that cold heartless, leopard print shell, lies an even denser and colder heartless shell. Clearly, her many opponents shouldn’t stand a chance, however, fortunately for them, even though she talks a good game, she often goes missing in action.
From: Eastbourne, England
Likes: Empty rhetoric, meaningless tautology, cake
Dislikes: Cat owners, the legal system
Favourite song: Handbags & Gladrags; Rod Stewart
The undisputed Leader of the Free World. A tough nut to crack (she acquired her prodigious skills on the mean streets, where feral phonkers hunted in packs) but her enigmatic façade has started to fade recently.
From: Hamburg, West Germany
Likes: Scientists, coalitions, phonkball
Dislikes: Walls, hard borders, plum cake
Favourite song: Games Without Frontiers; Peter Gabriel
Jon Cloud Jumper
With bureaucracy running though his thin veins, this phonker likes to play by the rules. Unfortunately for his opponents his rule book is detailed and comprehensive; he never finds its application too taxing.
From: Redange, Luxembourg
Likes: Wine, paperwork, the EU
Dislikes: Indolent MEPs, budgets, borders
Favourite song: Taxman; The Beatles