The Phonkers

General E Beefy

General E Beefy

The self-styled angry-man of the phonker world. Raised on a diet of chips, ham and phlegm. They might be old, and their jokes and opinions may be tired, out-dated and cliched, but they didn’t get where they are today by playing fair.

From: Great Yarmouth, England

Likes: Blame, rules (our own), press barons

Dislikes: EU, traitors, immigration, unpleasant truths

Favourite song: Making Plans for Nigel; XTC

Kenny Latte

Jo Remoan

This phonker likes their milquetoast with plenty of phonked avocado. But don’t think that means they are afraid to fight their yoghurt corner.

From: Hackney, London

Likes: EU, Freedom of Movement, cereal

Dislikes: High rents, unpleasantness, nazis

Favourite song: Biscuit Town; King Krule

Major Bonquer

Major Bonquer

His clownish appearance hides a tough, nutty, interior. In battle, the "Major" is always looking for a chance to sneak up on his opponent for a cheeky sideways phonk, but put him under pressure and he quickly turns into a gibbering Eton Mess.

From: New York City, USA

Likes: Flag-waving, zip-lines, organic carrots

Dislikes: Buses, bananas, combs

Favourite song: Back Stabbers; The O'Jays

Double Dimwit

Double Dimwit

Fancies himself the archetypal hard-man, though in reality he is simply hard of thinking. This phonker, when he’s not yomping across mountains, likes to quaff the finest wines causing further damage to his already depleted brain cells.

From: York, England

Likes: Push-ups, quitting, changing his mind, chuckling (nervously)

Dislikes: Facts, thinking, changing his mind

Favourite song: In The Army Now; Status Quo

Germy Gorebean

Germy Gorebean

This softly spoken phonker likes nothing better than phonking fascists to persuade them to see the error of their ways. A keen gardener who enjoys sitting on his allotment fence.

From: Chippenham, England

Likes: People, comrades, trains, world peace

Dislikes: The corrupt Capitalist System, centrists, splitters

Favourite song: I'm Left, You're Right, She's Gone; Elvis Presley


Trees Meh

Trees Meh

Trees Meh’s indifference to everything is notorious. Under that cold heartless, leopard print shell, lies an even denser and colder heartless shell. Clearly, her many opponents shouldn’t stand a chance, however, fortunately for them, even though she talks a good game, she often goes missing in action.

From: Eastbourne, England

Likes: Empty rhetoric, meaningless tautology, cake

Dislikes: Cat owners, the legal system

Favourite song: Handbags & Gladrags; Rod Stewart


Angular Smirkel

Angular Smirkel

The undisputed Leader of the Free World. A tough nut to crack (she acquired her prodigious skills on the mean streets, where feral phonkers hunted in packs) but her enigmatic façade has started to fade recently.

From: Hamburg, West Germany

Likes: Scientists, coalitions, phonkball

Dislikes: Walls, hard borders, plum cake

Favourite song: Games Without Frontiers; Peter Gabriel

Jon Cloud Jumper

Jon Cloud Jumper

With bureaucracy running though his thin veins, this phonker likes to play by the rules. Unfortunately for his opponents his rule book is detailed and comprehensive; he never finds its application too taxing.

From: Redange, Luxembourg

Likes: Wine, paperwork, the EU

Dislikes: Indolent MEPs, budgets, borders

Favourite song: Taxman; The Beatles

In a nutshell, it's Conkers on your phone

(without the nut shell)

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